Seemingly
by LIME.GREEN.TABASCO.SAUCE
Summary: Because life is perfectly normal. Rated T for crack.


Disclaimer: We do not own Kuroshitsuji, Tabasco Sauce or any of the other copyrighted materials used in this story, for that matter.

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I dreamt of myself frolicking and frisking in the meadows where fairies play hide and seek in the tall grass. I was wearing a lacy pink tutu.

I felt it. It was hot on my face.

Hot.

OH GOD IT WAS TABASCO SAUCE!

Through the thick, steamy liquid, I could see him. He was there, standing before me with a bewildered look on his face. I raised a hand to wipe the sauce off my face in a deceivingly sensual fashion, which made him raise his eyebrows till they pierced the heavens. He wiggled his eyebrows and they looked like wiggling worms. It reminded me of the worms I had found in my Earl Gray last month. It got me all hot and bothered. He walked towards me with that oh-so-awesome smirk on his face.

Within seconds he was before me, with one hand around my waist. He pushed me to a wall which had appeared out of nowhere. He leaned in and licked the Tabasco sauce off my face. His red eyes met mine and his face was millimeters away from mine. He opened his mouth AND BURPS RIGHT IN MY FACE.

It smelt like…oh god – sundried prune-flavoured Tabasco sauce with a dash of guava. I gagged in disgust. The air around me did not smell good. His saliva was on my face. I was good that I was not saliva conscious or I would have been angry. I handed him a ketchup packet, because ketchup was tomatoes and tomatoes smelt better than Tabasco and guava. He tossed the insignificant packet away and pounced on me, pinning me to the ground. Then he began to…

TICKLE ME ALL OVER!

Hohoho! I slapped his hands away, scowling. He laughed as he stood up and ruffled my hair. I scowled at him, again. My gleaming white teeth blinded him. Bling bling. He clutched his eyes as he fell to the ground, twitching.

Looking at him, my heart felt sharp jolts of pain. I rushed over to him. I was nearing him when…

I was being held back an imaginary force field!

I stopped for a moment, but my amazing powers of LOVE and DEDICATION made the force field explode, allowing me to pass. I rushed to his side and helped him up.

"No! Don't die on me!" I pleaded, as I gazed into that beautiful face. He opened his eyes and muttered, "I'm not dead you idiot, can't I just sleep for awhile?"

"No."

He ignored me and went back to sleep. I stomped my foot like an angry rich lady. He opened one eye in a disturbing fashion and chuckled like a fat man who had won the lottery. Then he carried on sleeping. Before long, he was snoring for the love of Tabasco sauce. I put my fat sausage fingers on his eyelids and PEELED them off.

"ARGH! MY BEAUTIFUL, ALLURING,SEDUCTIVE EYELIDS!" he screamed in pain and I hastily stuck his eyelids back on. They fell off again. Then I remembered something...

Tabasco sauce to the rescue!

I wiped some off my face and stuck them back on. Hey, wait!

They were stuck on upside down!

It was disgusting. Then I had an idea! I RIPPED them off again and stuck 'em on right, pouring an entire bottle of good ol' Tabasco that appeared out of nowhere on his eyes. But wait!

HIS EYES TURNED INTO SAUSAGES!

Magic! Magic! It's a kind of magic! In a moment of gluttony, I ate them with some Tabasco sauce and Earl Gray. After I was done, I turned to look at him and…HOLY MOLEY! HIS EYES GREW BACK!

Exciting. My lips curled into an upside down frown (which is another kind of frown). I reached out to try to eat them again. But he handcuffed me, stopping me. He pinned me down again, this time I submitted to his tickles.

I could take it no longer. I broke out of the handcuffs like an angry caveman and called the police. While they were arriving, I pulled out a sausage sword from my nail cuticles and smooshed it into his face. But before I made contact, he brandished a sausage saber and whipped out a sausage shield with his toes and parried, blocking my savage onslaught. Then, he cut my sausage sword into a million strips of meaty goodness.

Suddenly, SWAT men streamed in from the windows and little cracks in the floor and ceiling. They nabbed him and interrogated him.

"Have your spayed and neutered your sausages yet? Why are they multiplying like March hares?"

He had nothing to say.

"I'll escort you to get your license, now come on." The SWAT men swiftly brought him away. I sat back down and continued to enjoy my Earl Gray.

Ahh. A normal day in the life of Tanaka.

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Review it even if you hate it. Flaming allows us to bake cookies on the sidewalk in front of your porch with your garden gnome.


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